What couples need to know

 

If you asked any person on the street, “What’s the most important ingredient in a good relationship?” What do you think the answer would be? 

 

Nine times out of 10, the answer would probably be “communication.” We’ve been conditioned to think that communication is the most essential part of a relationship. While that’s certainly important, it’s not exactly true. 

 

In fact, two partners can communicate quite clearly and still feel distant and misunderstood. I say this to couples all the time. 

 

I’ve seen couples in a horrible relationship make it through and find happiness with each other, improving their relationship significantly. I’ve seen couples who had a wonderful connection and ability to talk frankly end up going separate ways. What makes the difference? 

 

Rather than communication, I’d say what couples need most is willingness. By willingness, I mean they must each be willing to give it a try, willing to figure it out, willing to come back to connection, time and again. You need the willingness to learn one another’s perspective. It’s not only about communicating needs, but understanding the other person and asking yourself, “What in my actions are being perceived as a threat?” 

 

Let me be clear, though: It takes a willingness to work, from both sides. 

 

Start by showing your willingness to connect.

To connect, we have to first be present with each other. Then, we need to learn each other’s perspective to understand each other better. We routinely spend so much time defending our intentions in our relationship, that we miss the hurt that’s on the other end–which actually presents a potential moment to connect! 

 

Why does this happen? As a human being, your brain is prone to detect danger–it’s the most primal response that has helped our species to survive and evolve. 

 

So there’s a reason why you might tend to experience more anxiety and worry than fun and happiness. If you let down your guard, you might not survive! Historically speaking, at least.  

 

Another reason is that your brain matches patterns from the past in which you may have felt uncomfortable, in pain, suffering, or endangered. No human wants to feel that way. So when your partner does something that reminds you of such a feeling, your brain may become suspicious or cautious regarding your partner’s actions — leading to a strategy of defense. 

 

To grow and see beyond that, to connect more deeply, you need to truly see your partner’s intentions from a loving and caring place. Nobody wants to be mean. Nobody wants to hurt others–those are acts that come from one’s own pain. In partnership, I can guarantee that your pain will come out towards each other. If you can reconnect to love and seek to better understand your partner, they will soon feel seen and met, and you can acknowledge their pain to find support and comfort. A healthy partner will soon want to do the same for you, just like that initial feeling of falling in love.

 

This is not an invitation to tolerate abuse. 

This post is a bit generalized, and there are nuances to consider in each relationship, based on the underlying psychology of each partner. Please know that when I invite you into a willingness to keep trying, this is not an invitation to tolerate abuse. 

 

Emotional abuse is tricky to define. Physical abuse is more clear. Emotional abuse could show up as clear manipulation or interpreted in different ways. That might include being put down, being spoken to in a negative manner. Even if you are sometimes hearing the “right” words, but other things don’t feel right, there could be some sort of power dynamic at play. 

 

Abuse is really hard to see from the inside. So if you feel that your partner might be taking advantage of you in some way, or you see they are not reciprocating your repeated efforts to comfort them in times of distress, please reach out to a professional for an assessment. 

 

Establishing a good connection requires trust and reciprocity

Within establishing connection, we need to develop a lot of trust. We need to show our partner that we are trustworthy AND trust that their intentions are coming from a good place. 

 

What about when we really screw up? Well, there’s always a lead up to that. Sometimes we take each other for granted, which is part of the work that needs to be invested in the relationship. Relationship expert and Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel says that we take our partner for granted “because we can,” and that’s one of the biggest mistakes we can make. 

 

To best understand each other we need to learn each other’s triggers and wounds, and have a deep understanding of each partner’s unique perspective. 

 

Two skills we need to build: curiosity and presence

Once we have an understanding of the other’s perspective, we need skills. When your partner is triggered, you need to understand their trigger before you bring your own. Be curious and sensitive first, then share when the other person has space to be curious and sensitive to you. 

 

Another important skill that is vital and necessary for growth is being present. When we are present with each other we can connect on deeper levels and grow together. Eye contact is so important for that! It’s easy to forget this as a relationship goes on.

 

So it’s not only communication, but a willingness to connect that matters.
Nearly every single couple in therapy comes in reporting that they have a communication problem. After sitting and reconnecting, they almost always feel better. Yet the underlying issues need to be addressed. 

Our problems can be hard to see for ourselves,  because our experience is driven by our memory all the time. That’s how we view the world. Our brains are created based on memories. When new things happen, they trigger the older parts of the brain. We project and envision the outcomes or scenarios of what to be careful of. Then we get deeper and more committed to our beliefs.  Unfortunately, that means sometimes we’re drawn to people who remind us of our past, and we may even become very drawn to what we’re afraid of, or what we don’t like. 

If you want to heal yourself and maintain a healthy relationship with your partner, you have to do the hard work of seeing your own issues as well as theirs. The thing is, you can change partners, but the same issues will occur for you again and again until you resolve them, because you’re attracted to similar things. The universe provides the same triggers and invites you to see the person before you as a similarly biased but completely unique individual. 

Your relationship provides beautiful opportunities to heal and grow. It comes down to choice. Are you willing to work it out? Are you willing to do your own work? 

That’s why I say the most important thing for couples is the willingness to connect. 

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